5 Ways to Have Better Sex (Tonight!) By Katherine Phifer

While fairly PG-13, this article may not be suitable for reading at work!

There's a lot that goes into fully and completely enjoying sex. I mean, there's a TON that goes into a mind blowing, amazing connection. This is especially true if you have been intimate with the same person for any period of time.

(Just to get nerdy for a second... There's a bunch of chemicals that react in your body and brain when you are in a new relationship... that's why you want to have sex all of the time when things are new. Sometimes, some of those chemicals change as you are in a relationship for a long period of time. It's our job to boost those chemicals by creating new experiences.)

Before you dive into these tips, here's the thing:

Every relationship is different. Every connection is unique. These tips are designed for you to tailor them to you, and you might have to take them and tweak them to your life.

Also, what time of day do you and your love enjoy being intimate? Is it first thing in the morning? Mid-day or later in the evening? Or is it a combination of all three?

Tip #1: Get in the mood. Your mood starts way earlier than when you are thinking about getting frisky. What are you wearing? How's your mood overall? Are you feeling in your power, ready to connect on an intimate level? Have you been hard on yourself all day? Are you irritated, or feeling free flowing? Your mood (and what you are thinking about) greatly impact the quality of intimacy. To get in the mood, take a warm shower or bath, rub some yummy oils all over your body, do whatever personal grooming you like... you can even boost your mood by inhaling essential oils (diffusing Cinnamon, Geranium, Rosemary and Sandalwood and Ylang Ylang will make a huge difference!)

Also, speaking of getting in the mood. How are you feeling about your body in general? If you are caught up in not loving how your body looks or feels, that will totally impact the quality of your intimacy. If you are focused on what a body part looks like, you won't be focused fully on enjoying yourself.

Here's a tip for that: give that area of your body A LOT of gratitude. Flip the "I don't love my {insert body part}" to "I am grateful for my {insert body part} because has done {fill in the blank}". Honor that this part on your body has done incredible things for you. And keep doing that throughout your day. Every time you think of something negative about your body, flip it to gratitude.

Tip#2: Set up your space. If you are making plans to get it on later in the day get your digs in order. Set up some candles, clean up, turn off the television. Put those clothes that have been lying on the spare chair in your room away. Dust if you need to. Get the space feeling good. Energetically you will feel SO much better. And.... if you are in the mode to have spontaneous sex (which can be just as much fun), make sure the space you are in feels good to you.

Tip #3: Give your body healthy foods and liquids. Think about what's going into your body. There's a big difference when you eat a large meal and then get intimate, compared to not. Same thing with alcohol. Things can loosen up with a bit of wine or a cocktail, but then if you consume too much, things can not work the way we hoped they would.

Tip #4: Foreplay is your friend, have fun with it. Whatever that means to you... foreplay is a fabulous way to get into the mood and enhance your experience. Sometimes when a couple has been in a relationship for a period of time, foreplay goes out the window. If that has happened in your situation.... bring it back! Like mentioned in tip #1, set up your space in a way that feels good. Turn off all electronics, put your phones in another room and play some music. Light candles, give each other a massage, change up your positions... or even do a little research on how to make foreplay more fun.

Tip #5: Don't have sex unless you want to. If you aren't feeling it, don't force it. Give yourself some space and time to think about why you aren't in the mood. Is it a physical thing for yourself? Are you not feeling amazing in your body? Are your hormones out of whack? Is it about your relationship? (By the way, ongoing conflict in a relationship can sure get in the way.) Give yourself some time to figure it out for you. If it is about yourself and your body or your hormones, seek support! There's lots of ways you can solve that problem. If you have some issues with your relationship, there's tons of support out there for you too!

Remember that every single couple is a unique blend of magic. What works for you doesn't necessarily work for someone else. Doing a little research to find out what works for you will be incredibly beneficial. So turn off any comparisonitis you have with your friends, and focus on how to have the best connection with your partner that you can create. There's no "one size fits all" when it comes to this sort of thing.


Formerly a psychotherapist, Katherine Phifer is an educator, podcaster and mentor who helps people find, create and maintain happy love. Katherine is also the founder and creator of the platform and podcast The Happy Love Project. You can find out more about Katherine and her offerings by visiting or by following her on Facebook @love.katherinephifer or Instagram @katherinephifer.